Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
