i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
