You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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