im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
