So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize