I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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