best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
