but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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