I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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