TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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