he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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