i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
