There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
