You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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