why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
