exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Randomize
