Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
