hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
