I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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