I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
