So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
