I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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