I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
