He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
