My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
