glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
