Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Im part way to drunk.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
