i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
