after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize