i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
