On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
