I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
