.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You've changed since you got that strap on
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
