thus making me awesome and them whores
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
