The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
