as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
