my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i need some magic done to my vagina
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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