Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
