Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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