Tell her she can't have a vagina
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
