I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
