**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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