Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
