I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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