I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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