Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
