Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
