i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
