The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
