i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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