John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
