i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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