My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
