I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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