You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
