I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
