i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
