my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
