All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
