Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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